can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We are all done wearing pants today
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