he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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