look no pants
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
