i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize