Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
