Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
