It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
