He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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