I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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