what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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