The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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