On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
