she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
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Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week