It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
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just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger