Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.