Umm I'm too high to move.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
