On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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