Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
