I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
