No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
