That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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