Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
