Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
