I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
