I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
