Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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