Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
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I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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