Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
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Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
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