We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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