i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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