I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
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Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
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Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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