Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
