so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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