Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
