Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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