Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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