i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
