everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
