So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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