It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....