Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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