I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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