Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this just has baby written all over it
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
