just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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