I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
