I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
