thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
