come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
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I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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