and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I love you. Go after that dick
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
