meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
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Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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