The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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