I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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