she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
