it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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