the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
