Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
