I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
