I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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