I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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